Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I wish there were birth control emojis
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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