dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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