It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
