I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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