How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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