Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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