so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
