I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
