Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
