She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
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