Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
