Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
this boner is exhausting
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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