your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
