i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
