OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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