I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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