My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
