I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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