Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
