tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
