i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
