Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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