Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
