I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
