I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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