theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
