There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
