All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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