I can tuck mytits in my pants
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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