my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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