Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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