I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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