so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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