my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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