i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
