he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
