I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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