i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
