Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
