I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
