Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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