Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
