Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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