I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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