I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
