3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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