I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I need to stop coming to work sober
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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