Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
