Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
