I wish my penis had an off switch
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He called his prostate his "boner button".
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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