I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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