My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
