you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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