I got chris browned last night
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
