the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
