if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
