Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
