Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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