O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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