Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
