I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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