I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
