your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
