Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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