who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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