i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
