I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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